American kids have the BEST servants

A 5-year old holds up his hand, "Juice." A cool juice box appears.

A 8-year old drops her backpack on the floor. The backpack gets picked up.

A 6-year old finishes dinner and leaves the table to watch a movie. The dirty dishes are washed.

A 9-year old skips and cartwheels into swim practice. Her sibling and giant swim bag are carried into practice for her.

American kids get this work done by their highly-trained servants. Unobtrusive, uncomplaining and unpaid, these are best servants I have ever seen. Not only do American kids have great servants, they don't even have to treat their servants like human beings. Coming from a servant-ridden society, I speak with experience.

An uncle told me this story from his childhood. He once ordered a servant, Bacchanlal, "Bring me some water." Next thing my uncle knew, he got slapped; a strong five-finger slap that left a mark on his face. Completely dumbfounded, he looked at the source of the slap, his mother (my grandmother, Dadi).

Uncle: Wha..wha..what did I do?

Dadi: How old are you?

Uncle: Eight.

Dadi: How old is Bacchanlal?

Uncle: 19?

Dadi: If you ever speak to an elder like that again, you will get another slap.

And that, kids, is how we interact with servants in India. American kids don't have to treat their servants with even a modicum of respect.

I once saw this between a tween and his servant as they were loading luggage into the overhead bin on a plane:

Tween: You idiot! If you put the laptop under the suitcase, the screen will get smashed. You are so stupid.

Servant: Sorry, I didn't know. I'll move it.

Inquiring minds want to know from where American kids get this subservient labor force.

Oh, did I forget to mention that these fabulous servants are the kids' parents? You know, the parents who paid for the juice box, the backpack, the dinner, the swim lessons and the laptop whose screen might get crushed. The parents who don't get a please, thank you or a helping hand. The parents who are abused and misused and yet, don't stand up for their rights.

Well I say: Rock on, American kids and enjoy having the best servants in the world!

Servants, perhaps a good martini might put some fire in your belly and give you the guts to throw off this oppression.

Vodka Martini

3 oz good vodka (one less swim class won't kill your masters)
3 olives

Shake over ice, pour, throw in the olives, drink deeply and throw off your shackles.

Your choice: Ritalin or Banana?

We all know that the number of kids being prescribed Ritalin has sky-rocketed. I'll not bore you with the details of all the to and fro among experts about the reasons for ADHD and the benefits of this and that.

There are three simple simple ways to control hyperactivity and ADHD-like symptoms in children. These are either completely free or really cheap.

1. Reducing food additives: Artificial food colors increase hyperactivity in 3-year-old and 8/9-year-old children. In fact, since 2010, the European Union has required foods with artificial coloring to have the warning notice about hyperactivity. Furthermore, red 40 food coloring is completely banned in Denmark, Belgium, France and Switzerland (source).

2. Reducing sugar: Like most parents, I have seen TLM turn into an uncontrolled monster when he has sugar. While there is no link between sugar and hyperactivity or ADHD symptoms, sugar does lead to a spike in adrenaline levels - the fight or flight drug. This makes children irritable and anxious, neither of which help with self-control.

3. Increase unsupervised free time: The term "unsupervised free time" is bandied about all the time, but no one gives an example of what unsupervised time means. Here is an example of unsupervised play: leave the room. Tell your child you are going to be in the other room and they are on their own for 15, 20, 30 minutes. If you have a backyard, sit somewhere in the house so that you can see them (but they can't see you) and let them play by themselves in the backyard for 20 minutes. Obviously, you have to start out slowly and it will be stressful, but it is good for everyone.

Here are some of the worst food offenders, especially because they are marketed as "healthy snacks," when they are actually junk food:

• Go-gurt: Blech Rating: I would give this to a starving monkey, if I had nothing else to give it. This stuff has food additives (and sugar) up the wazoo. Every time I see a kid squeeze this processed *stuff* into their mouth, I want to scream. Yes, I am being judgmental. People take more care of their gardens and cars than their kids' diets. If you want to know all the gory details, this is what Fooducate.com has to say about Go-Gurt. Read it and then give your kid a banana.

• Fruit Snacks: Blech Rating: If I gave this to a starving monkey, it might kill me. This leather has no resemblance to fruit or any food, for that matter. It has all the things you *don't* want in your kid: artificial food colorings, sugar, preservatives and the same wax we use to shine our cars. Yes, we put in our kids what we put *on* our cars. Yummmmy. Dump the fruit snacks and give your kid a banana.

• Juice: Belch Rating: I'd give this to a monkey as long as it is playing outside and the monkey knows that juice is a treat, not a snack. Since TLM knows this is a treat, we don't even pretend to worry about the nutrition. It is like eating at Ben's - tons of fun once in a while, but not good for us.

• Granola Bars: Blech Rating: I'd give this to a starving monkey, as long as it is playing outside  and the monkey knows that the granola bar is a treat, not a snack. Yes, it is good to have treats every so often, as long as kids know they are getting a treat, not a snack.

Here is the rule of thumb I have told TLM about choosing snacks: If it looks like it did in nature, it is a healthy snack. So, fruits and roasted nuts (NOT trail mix) are healthy snacks. The rest is just junk food masquerading as snacks.

You might be asking yourself, where is the proof that diet and exercise will reduce ADHD symptoms? Well, I ask you, what is the downside of eating more bananas and running around outside? And, where is the proof that psychostimulants are not harming our young children?

Here is one downside of eating more fruit: they could have pesticides in them and they may not be grown in an environmentally-friendly way. Yes, true. However, fruits with thick peels are fine, since the pesticide is in the peel, which one doe snot eat. As for the second, few things are worse for the environment than anything processed. So, fruit wins over a package all day, every day.

Now, it will be tough for your kids to switch from the bright, sugary treats to bananas. There will be tons of whining. My advice? Make yourself a Negroni and ride it out.

Negroni

1 part gin
1 part sweet vermouth
1 part Campari

Pour over ice, add a wedge of orange. Have at it.

Let our kids be kids

I don't know about where you guys live, but in NoVA (our cool shorthand for Northern Virginia), all parents are convinced their kids are geniuses and everything they do is a prediction of future greatness. I realized this when TLM was three. Yes, three.

Like many little kids, he was fascinated by horses...and ducks...and confetti...and boogers. Anyway, back to the horse thing. When TLM was about 2, his daycare had their annual carnival, with a pony ride. TLM got on the pony and started grinning like a drunk monkey. I mean cheek-splitting grinning. He was really happy to be on that horse. Lots of other kids also wanted to ride the pony, but when it was their chance to hop on, they got scared and backed out. OK, let's be honest, TLM's gigantic Cheshire-cat grin is what freaked the holy hell out of the kids, but let's pretend it was the pony. TLM got to stay on that poor pony for about 30 minutes, since no one else wanted to. Anyway, I didn't pay too much attention to the pony-riding.

A year or so later, TLM saw pictures of a little kid (it was me) riding a horse. Of course, since I looked like a boy back then, TLM thought the picture was of him. Long story short, I got TLM started on riding lessons.

One day, I told an acquaintance that that we had to head out for TLM's riding lessons. Her husband overheard my comment and came over. Here is the conversation that followed.

Acquaintance's Husband (AH): "Is that for his college applications?"

Me: "Oh, I'm sorry, my son is 3, not 13. That boy over there. Climbing up the slide." I thought maybe AH thought I had a 13-year old.

AH: "Yeah, I know. Is he learning to ride for his college applications? Like for Harvard?"

Me: "Huh?" Hey, when you've got a bangin' vocab, flaunt it.

AH (slowly; enunciating every word): "Are. you. making. your. son. ride. so. that. he. will. get. into. a. good. college?"

Me (still baffled, but also speaking slowly, in case my accent was indecipherable): "My. son. is. three. years. old." I also held up three fingers to make my point.

AH looked at his wife, shook his head and walked off, disgusted.

This exchange clued me into how ridiculous parents in NoVA are. I could give more examples, but just read your FaceBook feed; you know what I mean. If a kid does the dolphin swim in Cancun, they are the next Jacques Cousteau (look him up, you young 'uns); if they go on a hike, Bear Grylls better watch his back. Kid made scrambled eggs? He is the new Bobby Flay!

In this asinine world, TLM can't put his ass on a horse without immediately becoming the next Marcel Marceau. Or is it another famous equestrian of whom I am thinking? (That's right. I may not know my equestrians from my mimes, but I know my "whom" from my "who.")

Why can't we let our kids be kids? Why does everything they do have to be a prediction of future greatness? Allow them paint today and have the option to never pick up a brush again. Allow them to love snakes one day and hate them the next. Allow them to totally get the idea of black holes one day and be an epic fails at addition the next. Can you imagine the stress you would feel if every time you took a breath people predicted your future? This unreal amount of pressure might be why so many parents are stressed and so many of our kids are on Prozac. Something to think about next time we are tempted to start predicting our kids' futures.

BTW, TLM still rides. He is not fabulous, but he really loves riding and he loves horses. He loves how they feel, he loves how they smell, he LOVES them. He even loves mucking out their stalls. That is good enough for him. So, it is good enough for me.

Now, let's de-stress with some deep breaths and a gimlet. A gin gimlet.

Gin Gimlet

1 oz Rose's Lime Juice (if you don't have this, just mix 1 oz lime juice with 1 oz sugar)
1.5 oz gin
Garnish: Twist of lime peel
Glass: This one right here. The InsideOut Martini Glass.

Shake with ice and serve. This is really easy to drink, so be careful.

Breaking down sobbing

My son (The Little Man aka TLM) went to our local public school for three years: kindergarten, first and second grades. Kindergarten and first grade were combined as K1 and exemplified the multi-age classroom structure that is shown to be best for kids.

TLM's K1 teacher was exceptionally good with kids. Some of the smart things she did were: 

1) Set TLM up with a "buddy". When TLM was done with his work, he would go over and help his buddy finish his, kept TLM out of trouble.

2) Gave TLM extra and more challenging work, which he actually called "math games time";

3) Reveled in all the children's idiosyncrasies.

Here is an example of her superb handling of kids. One day when I came into class to read, she told me that TLM had spent the previous day "snorting like a pig." She didn't challenge his behavior that day. The next day, she asked him why he had spent the day snorting and his reason was understandable, for a 5-year old. Apparently, he had read a book about pigs and really felt like a pig all day. His teacher was amused, not offended. So, she didn't punish him. Perfect.

Second grade was a whole different story. One October morning, TLM broke down in violent sobs at the thought of going to school. In between his gulps of air, he managed to get out, "I feel like I am being yelled at from morning to night in school." This was my first indication of what was happening in TLM's classroom.

After talking further with TLM and some of his classmates, I saw a pattern. Many of these seemingly-happy kids were routinely breaking down sobbing either right before school or after they came home. The second grade teacher, as sweet as she seemed, was a tyrant. The kids in her class were being micro-managed to death. And, she was not balancing this with any fun. Another class learned about Native Americans by going outside and gathering materials for shelter, learning what plants they would have foraged, and pretending to plant crops. TLM's class did worksheets on the same topics. Can you imagine how a 7-year old's eyes light up at learning about local tribes by filling out a worksheet? Oh, joy!

On top of this, there was no concept of recess. Technically the second-graders got 15 minutes of recess a day, out of a 6.5 hour day. In reality, recess was routinely "lost" if they were fidgety, restless or loud, even in the face of research and empirical evidence that the exact opposite is needed. The kids would also not have recess if the majority of the kids "voted" not to go out or if it was too cold, too hot, too slushy or drizzling. I volunteered to come to school at recess and take the kids to the playground when the teacher did not want to. Nothing doing. Recess was not a priority for this teacher of 7 & 8 year olds.

I could go on, but it is now close to noon and I need a Bloody Mary.

Bloody Mary Recipe

2 oz vodka (go cheap, your tastebuds won't notice)
4 oz tomato juice
1/2 teaspoon grated horseradish
a squeeze of lime
a few shakes of Worcestershire Sauce
a few shakes of Tabasco
a few dashes of salt
a few dashes of black pepper
a spoonful of sugar
ice cubes
Garnish: Celery stalk or pickled asparagus, green beans or nothing at all
Glass: Nice and tall (like your man)

In order, pour the ingredients in a glass, add garnish, add ice, stir, raise to lips and enjoy - responsibly. Or not.

What the world needs now is...another mommy blog.

Like Montaigne, we strive "toward improvement; but 'tis a drunken, stumbling, reeling, infirm motion." The drunkenness is (almost) entirely on my part because I need vodka to fuel my every motion. Please feel free to stop reading now and call CPS on my ass. You know you kinda think you should. Well, maybe after you drink the rest of that martini.

This drunken improvement lead us to unschooling. Two months in, I have decided to start a blog about our unschooling. Because, the world is crying out for one more "mommy blog." If for no other reason than to give women another forum in which to vent their frustrations and guilt that we be perfect, pretty and upbeat while raising the next generation. By the way, if you leave nasty comments, I will come down on you with all the fury of Maa Kali.

   

Yeah, she's the one with the skull-necklace. Skull Necklace is a great name for a drink, btw. In fact, Imma gonna get one now.

Skull Necklace Cocktail Recipe

2 oz vodka
1 oz Chambord Black Raspberry Vodka
Prosecco
Garnish: Raspberries (preferably black)
Glass: Anything you can get your vodka-soaked hands on

In order, pour the ingredients over ice, drop in the raspberries (preferably black), raise to lips and enjoy - responsibly. Or not.